Beautifully broken

Something inside of me is broken, both in my mind and body. I can't quite identify it. It's been this way for quite some time.
I had a bad fall when I was in the Navy that resulted in a lower back injury. It broke my spirit as well. I'm frustrated that I can't do things that I once was able to do. I used to be a dancer and though I wasn't a runner, I could have been... Now, it's not possible. I have severe pain when I try to run long distance. Even a Sprint hurts to do. I can walk, but not long distances. I can't stand for long periods of time anymore.
I took little things for granted and now I am wishing that I could still do them. Little things become big things.
My spirit is broken from not being able to do what once I could.
My mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I have PTSD from the fall. I am working to overcome the symptoms. It is a slow battle. With the PTSD comes depression and anxiety.
When I was in the Navy, I didn't realize that I had anxiety and depression until things started to get difficult at work, then I started to take out anger on others. That was not good.
Now I feel like something is missing. I still don't quite feel like myself.
I've changed physically and mentally as well as emotionally. My question is, can we ever truly go back to the person we once were or is that person lost forever?

I need to guard my heart

Why do we fall in love? How do we know when we are in love?
It's different for everyone. I used to think that love was one thing and as I've gotten older, it's completely different. I used to be so open and wore my heart on my sleeve. Now, I am more guarded, but apparently, not enough. I spent three years in a relationship with someone that I didn't really know. It was difficult to fall in love, but I did. Then, when he didn't say it back to me, I was hurt and started to push him away. I almost feel like I shouldn't have let myself fall in love or be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable and then getting my heart broken. But, that's life. We either fall in love or fall in lust. There's no in between. The line can sometimes get confusing. That line was why I didn't tell him that I loved him until after being together for two years. That's the longest I've gone without saying it. But, in all fairness, it wasn't a typical relationship. Having my heart and mind broken by so many others has had an effect on me. So, why bother being vulnerable at all? Well, that's part of what makes us human, I think. It's our connection with others, whether it's platonic or romantic. Humans love other humans. 

Silver medal in romance

I hate playing second fiddle in a relationship. Either it is to a job or to an ex or to children, sometimes even a pet comes first. I'm sick and tired of never coming first to a man when I am in an intimate, romantic relationship. For once, I'd like to be the first thing that he thinks of and be the one that he wants to be with and not have to worry about losing him to something or someone else.

Maybe I just really need someone who is secure in their current reality and who realizes that they can balance a career with a relationship, children, and pets at the same time as they are managing the rest of the issues of life.  I want someone who has their "shit" together, so to speak. I used to think that is wasn't so hard to ask for, but it seems harder and harder to come by these days.

Here's to the game of hurry up and wait. I hope that my waiting isn't in vain and that I can find a kind, loving man with values with whom to share my life.

My demons come to call

I'm not as perfect or put together as I may seem on the outside. Inside I am screaming and I battle mental demons on a day-to-day basis. I have anxiety and depression... it's like there's a voice in my head that is beating me and won't shut up. I think too much, worry too much, feel too much. I care about the needs of others before myself. It's to the point where the self gets neglected often. My brain focuses on the negative more often than the positive, even when I am having a good day. The worst case situation always seems to come up first. I try not to let all of my insecurities to become known or to get me down.  I bottle up my feelings until I burst out in frustration.

For all those who also struggle with mental illness, the struggle will be familiar. I have my good days and bad days, but I put up a front so that hopefully no one can tell what's truly going on in my head. Those who know me well can see through the false facade, but strangers and acquaintances don't know the difference. If only the stigma associated with mental illness wasn't negative in modern culture. 

The adjustment period

In all my years, I never thought that the transition from civilian to military back to civilian would be so challenging. I enlisted to serve my country, travel, add power to my resume, and for adult independence. Part of my reasoning also could have been escapism, upon further scrutiny. I had wished that I could have gone in as an officer instead of enlisted due to my college experience.

But, I discovered, whether someone was on either end of the spectrum, most still acted like they were in high school with the childish behavior and cliques. I felt that I might have made the wrong decision, but I pushed through, hoping for a change of circumstances. When I got injured, my hopes of a jump from enlisted to officer were shattered. I started to become downtrodden and fell into a bit of an identity crisis. As time went on and I went on my first, and only deployment, I lost grip on who I was and let my anxiety get the best of me. Not only was I in a new chapter of my life with new rules and regulations, but I had long questioned the spiritual aspect as well. I also had been torn away from everything and everyone that I had known for years... my support system and comfortable surroundings.

I traded it in for mental tribulations and a uniform to wear with honor and integrity.  For those who disgrace the uniform and see it as a joke or a way to slide by, I shame you. I grew up around this culture and few people these days will actually stand up to defend our country and the ideals and freedoms that we hold dear.

Once I had begun my military career, there was no turning back. I had to fulfill my contract.  As my mental outlook became grim, I withdrew from those that I had made the acquaintance of and became even more lonely. I felt that no one could understand me.  It didn't help that a family member died and that another was battling cancer while I was away. I felt helpless because I couldn't be home with my family during those trying times. I mourned from afar, but no one knew what was truly going on with me because I always put on a strong front and focused on my work.  Finally I came to a realization that something wasn't right and that I should seek help. Everyone was understanding and didn't see me as weak (as much as I thought they would).

Later in my career, things got tougher as I not only battled mental, but physical anguish as well. They both played hand-in-hand. One made the other worse. I still battle my demons, and am adjusting to civilian life once more.

I am thankful for my support system of family and friends, as well as my dog, and fellow service members. I'm ready to continue my journey full speed ahead.

Personality test outcome

I have taken the Myers-Briggs online before, but there is a new one that seems to be a bit more accurate and it's called Memoranda Personality Type.

ISTJ- The Duty Fulfiller- Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging

ISTJ - DESCRIPTION-

ISTJs main interest is to live in a secure and peaceful environment. Calm and reserved, they highly value loyalty, honesty and integrity. They respect laws and traditions: they will always try to do the right thing for their family and communities. ISTJs look generally serious but they can be a lot of fun - especially at family gatherings.

Extremely well-organized and methodical, they generally succeed at everything they undertake. They will work for long periods of time and use a lot of energy to accomplish any task as long as these tasks make sense to them or have a concrete application they understand. ISTJs have little use for theory and abstract thinking.

ISTJs are very hard workers who generally prefer to work alone but can also work well in the team if the situation demands it. They do not usually give themselves enough credit for their achievement because they just focus on fulfilling their obligations, which they consider as a duty. Because of their strong sense of duty, ISTJs can have a difficult time saying "no" when they are given more work than they can actually handle.

ISTJs are perfectionists and have a tendency to take other people's effort for granted, just like they consider their own effort. As they are also likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion, they should remind themselves to compliment other people's work from time to time.

This does not mean ISTJs are ungrateful. ISTJs are usually generous and care deeply about their family and friends. They are responsible parents and very good friends that will always act for the better good of others.

Famous ISTJs:  George Washington, Warren Buffet, Sigmund Freud, Richard Nixon, Angela Merkel, Robert De Niro, Matt Damon, Natalie Portman, Sean Connery

PERCENTAGE OF ISTJs AMONG POPULATION 11.6%

Looking at the upcoming 3-0

Should turning 30 be looked at as a time of anxiety, or a potential for a change? I have been pondering this for a few months now and I am still coming up blank. I wasn't letting age bother me. I was perfectly fine with pursuing my goals of college and a career. I still want those things, but for the past couple of years, I have begun to evaluate the lessons that I have learned from my past relationships and realized that I want to be settling down and having a family. Then the anxiety starts to set in. I see most of my friends back home and those where I am currently living, and I feel this pang of jealousy. They have the husband or at least reliable boyfriend/significant other, and most of them have children. I have just started to realize how much I have this fear of ending up alone and not having my own family. I know that I still have time, but that doesn't mean that I don't worry just a little bit.

I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who also feel the same as they approach turning 30 and that feeling is that of being conflicted. Turn left or right? Follow this dream or settle? Stay near family and friends or venture out and seek your own happiness in a new city? Go and get that career you long for or end up in a job that pays the bills? Will I get this college debt and car paid off soon? What if this? What if that? So many questions and possibilities that at times, it makes my head spin.

I found an article that sort of says some of the things that I am feeling. While I do not have all of the "signs," some of the words hit close to home, so to speak. It's in the Huffington Post and it's called "Turning 30: 12 Signs You're in Pre-30 Crisis." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/20/turning-30-12-signs-youre_n_2724609.html#slide=2128613 

There is some good advice from actress Olivia Wilde in an issue of Glamour:  http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/2013/08/olivia-wilde-s-advice-for-turning-30.
She says basically to make the most of things and not to be pressured by society. I think that is good advice.

There are also plenty of other articles and movies talk about what a big deal it is to a lot of women to be turning 30. Some of them are negative and others positive.  I am trying not to fret too much, but will definitely be taking things a day at a time.  I feel that my destiny is not yet written and that once I have things flowing and I am more confident with myself, that I will have the things that I yearn for inside.