A whirlwind of change

Well, over the past couple years things have been going through a rapid cycle of change. My health, friendships, romantic interests and relationships, and work have all been affected. I never knew that so much would happen in just a short time. People that I thought I knew well didn't turn out to be who I thought they were. Some of it was positive, but with the positives come the negatives. I always have had a hard time warming up to new people when I transition to a new place, but with those I have met while in the military, they put up a facade of being this great person and end up as quite the opposite. I am back to not knowing who can be trusted and I am not so sure that I like it. I have endured much pain and frustration, and I am hoping for a resolution... yet again, we shall see what transpires. I need to look to the future and start making new plans for the life that lies ahead... a new career choice, most importantly, and looking into more schooling and certifications. I also have to decide where I want to settle down. It would be ideal to be near family... we shall see.  Everything has it's time and place... it all happens when it is meant to. 

I am reminded of a song that was originally from Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 (and I am not much of a religious person, but this poetry is significant). "Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is A Season)" by The Byrds...

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..."

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/15600/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turn!_Turn!_Turn!

Who knows what new and exciting things will happen this year... I look forward to what lies ahead. I'm powering through and not looking back.

Why is it all so complicated right now?

So many thoughts going through my mind... I feel as if I am at a crossroads in  my life again. Which way do I turn? Where am I headed in life? It's been 10 years and I still feel a little lost. I really thought I'd be somewhere else by now... not geographically speaking, I can't wait to be home for good if not close enough to be near those I love yet far enough away to have my own life... I mean in other aspects of my life. It's all so complicated. But, I guess life is never easy. My mind is reeling and sometimes I wish I knew where to turn. Some things have been sorted but I'm not as settled as I thought I'd be by now. We all have dreams of where we will be 10 years out of high school, but we never think it will be like this. Everyone hopes to have that perfect job, car, house, family... life... well, nothing is perfect and there are many bumps along the road to trying to make yourself happy. I am mostly happy with where I'm at, but why do I feel so unfulfilled? What truly is the definition of love? Have I found it and just don't know it yet? Why are there so many let downs in life? Why is it so complicated? There has to be a leveling off point... I am happy with some things but others are lacking. I hate being one to complain and I have it good for now. I just wish a few things could change. Something to ponder I guess... 

What's in a name?

Nicknames... Everyone has them. I think I have more than the average person, especially since I enlisted in the military.  It all started that first time at MEPS when I went to take an officer test. The lady couldn't pronounce my last name, so she called me D-12. Somehow that name carried into boot camp, even though no one in the Navy knew what those in the Air Force group called... Sort of like deja vu. I got called Dewey Decimal System which was by far the most creative and ironic considering it plays into my love of books. Other nicknames whilst in the Navy include DP, Dew, Dewi, D-15, and Dewis. Yet, I have heard far more people either butcher or just not bother to say my last name. Then, I have many nicknames that I gained during my childhood. Nicknames are never forgotten. It's funny how that works.

Putting up a facade

So many people are superficial these days. I am not saying that I am not guilty of it as well, but it seems more prevalent as of late with the new acquaintances that I happen to meet. The worst culprit: online dating.  I know that everyone says that you can't judge a book by its cover, well, I guess that old proverb doesn't ring true when it comes to profiles. Needless to say, I have been skeptical since the beginning but it is the people who make it worse. No one is truthful these days. I know that it is just meant to be a sort of advertisement to get people to take interest in you and meet off line. But, really, would it be too much to ask to put up a recent picture or two? Hell, even a better description with a little more depth would be appreciated. The other thing I hate is when the facade starts to break down and you see the real person is not who you expected from the get-go. You can usually tell what a person will be like after a couple weeks and most times they scamper off after that brief time. It's definitely discouraging. For once, I would like to meet someone who is going to stick around. That goes for friends too, not just dating. I am starting to lose my faith in people and I am longing, more than ever, for  home and those I know well.

Finding solace amongst the world of the living

I have always found comfort in nature. A simple walk outside walking into the breeze and the sun is like medicine for my soul. As I listen to the wind rustle the leaves on the trees, the waves crashing on the beach or shore, the birds chirping, the nocturnal insects buzzing, anything that is weighing down my mind melts away and peace manifests in its place. I feel a connection with mother nature's bounty. To me it seems almost like a religion. Yet, in the wind I feel and hear the presence of those who can no longer be with me and that of a higher being... a higher power... I know now how the Native Americans might view the world... well, to an extent. I have never felt the connection to Christianity or other worldly religions created by humankind as I do as being one with nature. Some may view this as sacrilege to their views, but nature makes sense to me. On a stormy day, I embrace the clouds, the rain, the thunder, the wind, the lightning. And at the end of the worst storm is a beautiful rainbow. Sunny days have their own beauty. When I am feeling that I am not quite myself, all I need to do is go for a walk outside and take in my surroundings as I listen to my breathing and the beat of my heart and I feel as if I am whole again. There are even times that it seems as I listen to music or as I walk, the rhythm of the animals, the trees, the water, the insects, and all of nature are going along to the same beat. It's simple, yet amazing.

Playing the waiting game

I have been playing the waiting game for as long as I can remember. Waiting to do this, waiting to do that. Waiting for someone to go out with, do things with, blah, blah, blah... I am sick of waiting. I am going to do what I want to do and stop waiting around for someone to accompany me. This has been my philosophy for the past four months. I realized that if I wait on someone else, I miss out on the things that I really want to do. There are so many places that I want to go and things that I want to try. So, I have started to go out and explore on my own. The area where I am living now is chock full of historical places and since the weather is so nice most of the year, there are are also plenty of things to be done outdoors. This is definitely helpful when trying to stop being a couch potato. So, whenever I get an idea, I go to accomplish it. I have seen so many things that I would have otherwise missed out on. I have seen places where our forefathers have fought historic battles and places where the settlers of our country first established themselves. My favorite place to go though is anywhere that I can go for a walk outside, whether it be in a forested area or near the coastline. I am happiest when the sun is on my face and the wind is at my back. I am definitely becoming more of an outdoors person, and I have deployment to blame for that. Change is always good. I embrace it with open arms.

The Sky is the Limit

I am not waiting around anymore for someone to do things with or for someone to make me happy. I am doing what I want to do with my life. That means visiting sites I want to see, finally getting my tattoo I have been wanting, and achieving my goals. I am not going to let anyone get me down. I also think that I might be over dating for a while... I can't seem to get this whole dating thing figured out. I am figuring out what makes me happy. I am living for me... let's see what the future holds...

Life is What You Make it

I got a card from my mom recently and it made me think about the direction my life is heading. This is what it said: "This is your LIFE. Do what you love and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. if you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be there waiting for you when you start doing the things you love. Stop over-analyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful, when you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. Life is short. Live your dream and share your passion."

All I can say is, I am still waiting for my life to start. I have moments where I ask myself why my life is on its current trajectory. And the thing I hate the most is when I can't do what I set out to do after college... it's so frustrating. I thought that I could be in a job I love and on my own. Well, I am sort of doing that, but not in the way I want to. Life is about compromise sometimes. I like my job, but dislike my living situation and current set of rules by which I am forced to live my life.... yet again, I chose this because it seemed that I had no other option. Now, it doesn't matter how hard I work or how well I perform on the job (even though I out-perform most of the people I work with)... it all matters how I look on paper and what qualifications I have. The Navy is all about qualifications, and what I did before the Navy, including my degree, don't really count for anything... it sucks! Most times, I question why I even have stuck with this this long, but I can't back out of it now because I signed a contract, after all. Oh well, I just have to stick this out a little while longer before I can go back to school and go for the job I want.

Leaving the land of broken dreams and heading towards opportunity

Growing up, we all hear stories of wonder and delight... of far off lands, of princes who save fair maidens, of happily-ever-afters, and are told to follow our dreams wherever they may take us. Adults tell us stories to give us hope and teach us morals, but these stories don't prepare us for the reality of life. If you had told Cinderella or Snow White that they are destined for a life of servitude and that there is no escape, that wouldn't be a happy ending now, would it? What if no prince had rescued them from their former lives? What ending do you think the story would have had? 

I tell you what, those girls would have had to stand up for themselves and decide what direction they truly wanted in their lives. Most girls these days don't know how to care for themselves. I'm glad I was raised to be my own independent person. I am a strong-willed person. 

Well, on my journey towards opportunity, I have had many interesting experiences. Some good, some bad, but all life-altering in some way. I've had triumphs, I've had mistakes, I've had tears, but I have powered through the tough times and learned from my faltering steps. That's what you do, you have to pick yourself back up. Never settle for almost or good enough, make sure you excel at all you do.

It is a world of survival of the fittest. Those who prepare themselves for trials will triumph and those who don't will not get where they aim. 

I am on my may to greater things.